- Most common faux allergies: Gluten, soy, wheat, refined sugars, nuts, dairy, alcohol, pesticides.
- Symptoms: Reported but rarely seen symptoms including rash, hives, sneezing, congestion, migraine, stomach cramps, gas. Sufferers may complain of specific food-related anguishes that mysteriously disappear or become less severe when the sufferer is confronted with a version of the supposedly noxious food that they really, really like. Sufferers hijack dinner plans, complain loudly and/or divert conversation to topic of their limited lifestyle, and can miraculously discover the allergy is over if they accidentally consume the food. They are also well known for using the phrase “I can eat a little bit of it.”
- Causes: Telling waitstaff to hold the offending product because “[you’re] allergic” so many times that now you think it’s true. Heavily interpolated interest in a specific and discredited fad diets of the 1990s. Obsession with weight. Fussiness, middle-child-syndrome, center-of-attention-complex, desire to be quirky. Residual attachment to environmental illness and word “toxins” combined with awareness of stigmatization.
- Correlations: Requires a certain amount of access to Three P’s (Power, Privilege, and Gourmet Natural Foods) and willingness to talk about oneself. Oft-encountered in supporters of the Yoga Industrial Complex.
- Treatment: See Lysistrata— don’t sleep with them, they’ll never learn
Famously Fake Allergic: Madonna, Yoko Ono, Pontius Pilate (unconfirmed.)
Condition: Hysterically-inflected Faux Allergies (Type II)
- Symptoms: Psychosomatic symptoms including rash, hives, sneezing, congestion, migraines, sore throat, shock, hyperventilation, bruising, and heart palpitations. Sufferers believe it so hard it becomes true. They are quieter about their faux-allergies and pine for the days when they didn’t break into hives when they ate certain things.
- Causes: Admirably complex psychopathology. Nervousness. Anxiety-disorders.
- Correlations: Strong imagination. Contested correlation: A Womb.
- Treatment: Because they cause real symptoms, you should avoid the foods you are hysterically-inflected faux allergic to. Go to therapy. Try not to get upset when people with Fake Allergies (Type I) give you their advice which will probably include suggestions to meditate and participate in the Yoga Industrial Complex. Don’t engage them in conversations about the colonization of Buddhism and Hinduism by New Agers.
Famous Hysterics: Dora, Ms. EM, Emily Dickinson.
Condition: Feline-Intruder-Related “Fake” Cat-Allergy (Type II.b)
- Prognosis: trouble in paradise.
- Symptoms: Skin problems, sinus problems, sore throat, watery eyes, discomfort, headaches.
- Causes: Justified hatred of cats. General interest in keeping a clean/dust&hair free household, commitment to staying independent of the house, distaste for Litterbox.
- Correlations: Otherwise good character, preference for dogs or petlessness, reticence to talk about allergy with lesbi-friends.
- Treatment: OTC medications can mitigate effects of FIR allergies although there is no real cure. Also, Benadryl can’t outsmart your hysteria and so you can’t hope for a normal life unless you live in a cat-free environment.