I. I received another letter to the parents of femmephane from University yesterday. This one kindly numbered three reasons why families should bring a ($400) diploma frame with them on graduation day. They went something like this: to show your kid you’re proud, to show the extended family it’s really true, because otherwise it’ll get wrinkled. My shrink asked me if I was going to walk despite the fact that it will be a completely fucked up distressing day and mostly stupid. I appreciate her more.

II. Brown University’s grading system has only A’s, B’s, and C’s. That’s it. Three grades! D’s and F’s are dropped from transcripts and there are no pluses or minuses. That means that anyone who gets anything between a B+ and an A+ gets an A. And since C’s are treated like F’s almost no one gets them. 60% of the grades given at Brown are A’s. And then those students and their money apply to grad schools with those GPAs! Oh boy.

III. Okay, so it was me who pulled up the anti-abortion (anti-choice/anti-life) signs from the University lawn. But it was really to save the Republicans from their own shoddy workmanship. You can’t put down one (1) flag to represent every fifty-thousand (50,000) abortions! That doesn’t make a statement at all. Who can visualize 50,000 babies? Five, maybe. Especially because they were those cheerful little Tyvek numbers that contractors use to partition space. Maybe if they had used human fingernails (a la Juno) I would have been able to really conceptualize it. Bad work GOPs. Worst protest on campus since Pangaea’s Simulation Refugee Camp got canceled because of the rain.