A Number of my readers have been barraging me with requests. Femmephane! they entreat, When Will You Have A Blog That Teaches Us Valuable Life Skills? And if not that then they want to know, When Will You Use Your Far-Reaching, Considerably-Influential, Web-Forum to Help Humanity? Or, they plead, When Will You Take Cue From The Bespectacled AJ and Invite A Lesbian to Write Guest Column Answering Age-Old Questions For Someone’s Benefit?

The time is now, my friends.

For several fortnights I have watched my friends and loved ones gear up for imminent disaster. Hoarding like I’ve never before experienced it. Since I was too young to enjoy the fruits of Midwestern El Niño panics, too late for the Cold War shelters, and too far from California to adequately prepare for Hale-Bopp, I’ve gotten a late start.

But there’s no putting it off any longer. The threat of a Zombie-plague is upon is. Or is it the threat of an alien invasion? The point is: you don’t know either. I have watched as two to four loved ones have maxed out their credit cards stockpiling items they mistook for necessities. For your safety I have compiled a reliable list to prepare you for the possibility of attack. These are things you SHOULD buy and keep in your home in order to save yourself when the time comes.

Tools To Protect Yourself Against Zombies

1. Black-Out Curtains, Barricades. You need to be able to lock yourself into some place. If the zombies see you moving around in there after dark they’re liable to come after you. Think about installing large, rolling, steel doors in your pied-à-terre. Keep some plywood on hand. In a bind, shopping carts can be stacked up to block stair cases. Shopping carts make zombies totally crazy for some reason.

2. Love. There’s no telling if this one will help you or totally fuck you over. But you should get yourself some on the off-chance that your honey will want to pull out of serious peril.

3. A vaccine or a cure. If you can’t find these then you might as well befriend some geneticists. But try to get some really built ones or ones with other skills. Otherwise you’ll be sorry later if you try to ford the river and your scientist dies.

4. Bob Marly. It would be very unrealistic if you didn’t know who Bob Marley was.

Tools to Protect Yourself Against Aliens

1. Rock Music, Water, Oxygen, Homosexuals. The key to aliens is this: aliens have a weakness. You just have to figure out what it is. The best way to figure out the alien weakness is to ask yourself: In this situation am I the protagonist? If you answer yes then you should try to distill your most annoying quality into a weapon. For example: Are you into The Eagles? Are you a former high-school diving champ who’s given up the pool after a tragic accident? Do you indulge in sodomy? If you are the protagonist and you have answered yes to any of the questions, you may already know the alien weakness.

2. A Very Short Introduction to Chaos Theory, Quantum Mechanics, and Post-Colonialism. If the alien weakness isn’t the essence of humanity then it’s bound to be the essence of alienity. If this is the case you will find that their technology will actually be the way to their Achilles heel. Be on the look out for misuse of the golden ratio or the metric system. Consider tearing the conversion chart out of a Five Star five subject notebook so you can have it on hand.

The 5 Most Important Tools Effective Against Both Zombies and Aliens

5. Elaborate Pulley System.

4 . Flamethrower or ample accelerants.

3. Bacon.

2. Flame Thrower.

1. German Shepherd.

You may be asking yourselves.

If there was a national emergency, wouldn’t Superman come to save us?
No. And don’t even bother asking about Batman– there’s no way he’d leave his bat-hideout.

But Femmephane, what about a demon invasion?
Good question. I refer my readers to Revelations for the overview on that inevitability.

Are German Shepherds effective against the forces of Skeletor and/or Voldemort?
I’m glad you asked. The answer is 1) Skeletor: If he’s the one from the cartoons, Yes. If you’re dealing with the one from the 1987 film Masters of the Universe, no way Jose. 2) Voldemort: Don’t be naive. Only if the dog’s imbued with the power of your mother’s love.

How do Zombie and Alien invasions intersect with issues of race in America?
It’s so good we have time for this one. Zombie-plague and Alien-Invasion are the true equalizers. Invasions and plagues are color-blind. By that I mean, being undead actually turns everyone pretty chalky and aliens will gestate in any body they can catch. Once you’ve been turned into a zombie or inhabited by an alien, you actually don’t see race anymore because your eyes don’t work in the dark. But this doesn’t mean that racism is dead. Racism will always live on in the hearts of the healthy.

Who would the Zombies support in the primaries? What about the Aliens? Do Zombies and Aliens caucus? Do they have opinions on superdelegates?
I wish I could say. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that we would probably be Republicans or Libertarians before we could arm sufficiently to prepare for either scenario.

Purebred dogs are expensive and I’m allergic to animals with fur. Can I get a Shepherdoodle from the shelter instead?
It’s your funeral, man.

Is it true that Stevie Nicks is the universal alien kryptonite?

It’s hard to say. If I were going to make an alien movie about Fleetwood Mac I would cast Drew Barrymore to play Stevie, Steve Buschemi, Jennifer Tilly, Tilde Swinton, Matt Damon, and Macaulay Culkin. In the end I would probably have the Aliens win–No, the humans–No, Alan Rickman–Oh, I don’t know.