Go- My brother wrote me a long letter. I realized that despite the fact that we haven’t been in continuous contact since I left , loving him has been a healing thing. No one warns you that sometimes loving others, instead of being loved by others, is the most sustaining act there is.
Ongoing- In the mornings you rest your head on my shoulder and tell someone else that you are facing hiatus. I know because I’ve heard it before that you are wrong. You are talking about how everyone in your life is either leaving or already gone and how you have been told to wait and see. Frantically, people come over to your desk to tell you that it’s going to be okay. Which may or may not be true but what they’re really saying is that it’s about to get very bad and you shouldn’t freak out because later it will have stopped being so bad. But I know you’re not facing hiatus. Hiatus, even at it’s most dramatic, is a sucking crevice which you will have to navigate around or wait out– a dire but terminable period, an unfriendly maw. But I can see that what’s going on in your life cannot be represented with metaphors about pot-holes or blank spots or big-toothed sea animals. You are standing in a crowd of familiar faces. Some of them have announced an imminent departure and others are likely to drop out without warning. You are walking between them, holding their hands, one by one and asking them, “but will YOU stay with me?” They say maybe and then go, anyway, without a note. You only deal in sagas, you say. But remember that the characters in sagas are still destroyed in the traumatic moments even if there is more story. More and more and more and more story to endure.
Going- When we are not together, it’s the first thing people notice. When you are late, I tell them exactly what you’re doing, because I know. Sometimes all of that is the best part of my life.
Ongoing- A year ago you lied and told the dealership I was your girlfriend so that I would be a better character witness and you could buy the car you always wanted. Your dad would be pissed and proud that you had done it without him. We drove it off the lot and we drove around for a week, always after dark.
Gone- You have defaulted on your payments and I get messages weekly, asking me if I can help find you. There is a reward if I can tell them where you are. I don’t call them back or pick up the phone. I don’t tell them that you are gone. I don’t offer a reward if they can help find you.